17 January 2007

For Now

There is a lot I like about the blogger set-up, but something just isn't working for me here. If you still want to read about the adventures of Hazel, let me know.

30 September 2006

i am alive

I can never update - if I type any words my family senses the mental distraction from their needs and that's not allowed. For example, everyone is doing projects right now. Hazel's making art/punching holes in paper. A. is cleaning up some old stuff. Both of them are talking out loud, narrating their actions. I could tune that out, but then A. throws a question or comment out at me every 30 to 60 seconds, despite the tapping of my fingers on the keys. I cannot maintain a train of thought long enough to type it out. I say out loud, "it is hard for me to focus this way." Hurt feelings.

But I am typing through the pain!

I don't have a lot to say. Hazel is thriving. Work is going well. The transition back to work has been smooth. I go to the gym several times a week and have been for more than two months. I am not shedding pounds, but I am very energetic now-a-days. It is a good feeling. My body is more toned and clearly stronger. It is weird that I weigh the same. My diet is much better than it was, but I am not starving myself.

Life is good. I'm jonesing another baby. I'm starting to get the same feelings I had for the years leading up to Hazel. The nagging, "I want a baby," refrain that comes from some strange source inside of me. My biological clock has a microphone and a speaker.

19 August 2006

i lost most of my baby weight very easily. i even did it while eating pastries and chips. nursing really did burn loads of calories. it also left me starving and a hormonal and physical mess. for more than a year i think my body and mind went through some crazy transformation where i found myself gobbling food in five minutes or less throughout the day when i felt as though i had a few moments to devote to meeting my own needs. i lost the baby weight, eventually stopped nursing and gained my weight.

in high school i had reasonable eating habits, for a high schooler. i liked vegetables ok and i ate when i was hungry. i was small. during my senior year i was turned away from donating blood because i was underweight.

during my early twenties i finally liked my body. that had more to do with what was inside of my head than anything else.

i was slender and healthy throughout my twenties. for a few years i did not own a car and rode my bike everywhere. as a college student on a tight budget, it was easy to not buy expensive and unhealthy foods.

when i entered my thirties i had the budget for a more extravagant diet, but i also joined a gym and attended regularly. i was thirty-one when i became pregnant with hazel. i weight 135 lbs, worked out at least 4 times a week and ate carefully and well most of the time. i'm short, at 5'2".

i gained 5 lbs very quickly, because of the all-day sickness, exhaustion and the way my stomach would only tolerate white, starchy foods. all told, i gained 40 lbs during pregnancy, and that was fine. i lost 30 lbs easily and quickly after having hazel. i spent several months wrestling with the final 10 lbs. those lbs. won and overtook me with several of their friends. for many months now i have weighed close to 160 lbs. this is an unhealthy weight for me. i have a history of heart disease on nearly every branch of my family tree. i have a desire to be active and physically strong. i have tried several gentle diets and ways to work exercise into my life. it has often felt like a losing battle.

finally, i am dipping into the non-existent budget and joining a gym. i did a free trial run and loved it. there is childcare at the gym as well as a load of other amenities i adore. i go nearly every day and do something: cardio, weights, a class, a swim. usually i combine activities. i feel free and wonderful there. it is not a chore for me to be there and i finally get some time to just take care of myself. i've mostly conquered the guilt of choosing to take care of me over taking care of my daughter for an hour a day. at this stage of my health and body's needs, i wouldn't be doing her any favors by having a heart attack or a stroke.

the two things that have held me back from a gym membership until this point: finances, guilt/concern about the caretaking of hazel. i wish i had been able to overcome those barriers much, much sooner. i would have been healthier for it.

so... i will try to give periodic updates on how it's all working out. my work starts full force in a couple of weeks and will turn my schedule on its ear. i know i will then savor my gym visits even more, but also feel more guilt, because i will be away from hazel so much already. she's going to need me to be sane, though. healthy and sane, and maybe cute in my jeans, right?

18 August 2006

what is a google?

hazel just asked her father, "what is a google?" they're looking for animal videos online. sometimes it is very entertaining and sometimes it makes my stomach hurt. there is a video online of a soldier "owning" a monkey. that means he punched it. i didn't watch the video, but remain disturbed by the enthusiastic captions intended to lure my mouse click. the still image linked to that video is of two men in american camo with hard hats, looking at a monkey in a cage. so, i take it, one of the young men punches a caged monkey. what the fuck?

in other news... we just returned from the oregon coast. i'll post pictures soon-ish, but they're not on this computer right now. instead i'll post pictures of hazel learning to roller skate. did you know that she can ride a bike with training wheels? her dad goes skate boarding while she rides her bike and they rule the neighborhood.

while we were in virginia hazel picked black-eyed peas, tomatoes and grass.

04 August 2006

toddler two

hazel is playing her harmoncia and climbing over me. i think i'm going to take her swimming in a few minutes. if she doesn't strangle me with her love. or poop on the couch.

29 July 2006

A quick post while Hazel and her father are at the store.

We went to Virginia and Hazel got to meet some of my extended family. They drove eight hours just to meet her, and they brought her lots of love and a few hand-me-downs from their large brood. My absolute favorite of their gifts: a selection of leotards. When I was a little girl I put in many, many hours twirling and leaping through the house. Even now I dance a little bit nearly everyday. Hazel's daddy likes to dance, too. He was lucky enough to have years of ballet as a child, while I took no dance classes until I was an adult. And Hazel did start dancing before she could walk, cliche as it sounds. As soon as I saw the leotards I dressed her up and she set to twirling and frog jumping.

27 July 2006

New pictures are in order, as Hazel has grown tremendously since the first kiddie pool of the season. She has protested several times recently that she is a grown-up now. Usually she insists upon her maturity when I'm cutting her off from playing with something dangerous. "I'm a grown-up NOW!" While she's most assuredly still a toddler, she's taller, leaner, more articulate, and inventive every day.

She is my partner in crime, particularly during the summer when it's mostly the two of us while her father is buried in school work and I'm on hiatus from my non-Hazel work. We've taken swim classes, gone to the farmer's market regularly, gardened, danced and even flown on a plane across the country. This was her third trip to Virginia. She's also been to Georgia and California. (And Canada if in utero travel counts for anything.) Her fifth round-trip flight, and the second one with just the two of us. It was a little more challenging than last year, because she loves to move, but still she was amazing and clearly enjoys to go on adventures.

The best part was spending a lot of time with family. Our closest family in Oregon is five hours away by car. Most of our other family is about five hours away by plane. We have a number of very good and loving friends, but Hazel likes to talk about how her cousin did this and her grandma gave her that. It was fun to watch my extended family interact with her and she thrived with the attention and family hustle and bustle.

She also got to:
spend time with horses (who scare and fascinate her)
pick black-eyed peas, tomatoes and flowers
jump into a deep swimming pool over and over again
meet her great grandmother's senior friends (and play on the playground where I very first went to school; holy circle of life, as her father says)
dance with her cousin
have a tea party with the toddler daughters of one of my high school friends
help her great grandmother in the kitchen
get materially spoiled by her grandmother

watch excessive amounts of t.v. (I love her father, but gained a new appreciation for all he does after being soley responsible for her every need for a week, including the fact that she never slept through the night the entire week, as time wore on she became more intrigued with the less child safe areas of the house we were staying in, and she is two and loves constant interaction and won't sit politely on the sidelines while I play catch-up with long-lost relatives. Hello, Elmo!)

get several mosquito bites (to spray the poison OR to allow the bites which may carry disease OR stay inside where there are limited activities when the house is not your own and your hosts are clearly concerned about what your child is going to do next? Hello, Elmo!)

To recap:
-I'm trying to upload photos, but blogger's being a j-hole (remember j-hole, ritchey? good times!)
-Hazel pulled her own suitcase through two airports and I thought I was with a movie star the way people stopped, stared and exuded positive vibes and smiles her way
-When faced with the chance to watch copious amounts of t.v., Hazel will take the challenge and execute the couch potato stance with grace and dignity
-We are back to Portland where we spend time outside, take walks and just feel really good these days
-While we were gone there was a heat wave and the peas Hazel planted grew nearly a foot (they were only about an inch when we left, we were a little tardy planting the peas), Hazel got to pick beans and tomatoes from the front yard also
-Hazel totally hit her neighborhood friend (who is turning two soon) in the face with a badminton racket and I am still so so so so sorry that happened.
-I love people who take the time to get to know Hazel and interact with her, and that is the surest way to my heart; therefore, Hazel's father has the topmost spot in my heart because to watch the two of them reunite after a week apart brought tears to my eyes
-She reads literature to her most beloved of dolls: yarn baby