30 September 2006

i am alive

I can never update - if I type any words my family senses the mental distraction from their needs and that's not allowed. For example, everyone is doing projects right now. Hazel's making art/punching holes in paper. A. is cleaning up some old stuff. Both of them are talking out loud, narrating their actions. I could tune that out, but then A. throws a question or comment out at me every 30 to 60 seconds, despite the tapping of my fingers on the keys. I cannot maintain a train of thought long enough to type it out. I say out loud, "it is hard for me to focus this way." Hurt feelings.

But I am typing through the pain!

I don't have a lot to say. Hazel is thriving. Work is going well. The transition back to work has been smooth. I go to the gym several times a week and have been for more than two months. I am not shedding pounds, but I am very energetic now-a-days. It is a good feeling. My body is more toned and clearly stronger. It is weird that I weigh the same. My diet is much better than it was, but I am not starving myself.

Life is good. I'm jonesing another baby. I'm starting to get the same feelings I had for the years leading up to Hazel. The nagging, "I want a baby," refrain that comes from some strange source inside of me. My biological clock has a microphone and a speaker.


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